It has been a L~O~N~G 9 months!
What I "heard" from God ... what I thought to be so clear ... plain...
you can see here... for further details!
In all the "knowing" there was/is still so much UNknown!
I KNEW we were "supposed" to adopt again! GASP! I know!
Understand, I did NOT "want" to... I felt I was "supposed to" there IS a difference!
And then... don't you just love the "And Then..."
I WANTED to !!!
Hallelujah !!!
There has been a heaviness! a NEED to act!
And "act" I have!
I have searched our adoption agency sight relentlessly!
I have anguished over the darling souls "WAITING" for a family!
I have prayed for specific children and desired (to adopt) a specific child!!!
I sought...
Seeking, in and of it self, is NOT wrong!! Absolutely NOT!!
However I do believe I was getting WAY ahead of myself! AND God!
(And my man)
Mark & I have talked!
Cried! Argued!
Agreed! Agreed to disagree....
Y'all there are SO many orphans!!
And SO many Christians ...
we MUST lessen the number of children in orphanages!
We MUST !
My heart breaks to bring them HOME!
To sisters & brothers ... our family!
To food on the table! And KNOWLEDGE of our Sweet Jesus!
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A few weeks ago I read a sweet friends blog: Mrs Sharon A's .... she has gorgeous bio babes and equally gorgeous China Chicks!! And NOW... she and her man are bringing home another precious child...a BOY !!! You will REALLY want to take a peek !!!
I wept!! Joy, YES! Indeed!
What a precious family!!!
I also wept , are you ready for this? (notice the color!)
Ready for my true human Mommy ~wanting~ to~ adopt~ heart to show???
I wept because it was not ME! Not me announcing that we were bringing OUR child home!
I was devastated!
Confused!
Taken aback!
I went outside (remember I live in in the midwest... it was drizzling! It was cold!) I went to my "Serenity Spot"! I sat in my Adirondack chair curled up in my THICK blanket and CRIED out to God!!!
WHY!!???
Why can it not be ME? Why am I not bringing another child home??
God, I am willing!!! (Really Bridget,asks God)
Then.... the doubt crept in.
Doesn't it always???
Things like ... you already are blessed with FIVE children !!
I am !!! Thank you LORD!
Where will the finances come from?
From You LORD!
Then... OH!
Am I not ready/fit/ qualified/able to parent... another??
Hmmm... that thought took control !!
You see I do have a "past" of doubting MY capabilities!! (justifiably so!)
For two days I was UN~done!
Oh I prayed! I WEPT! I cried out LITERALLY & figuratively!!
And you know ... God being WHO He is... blessed me so...
My older son who is in college called and asked me to come cook for 300 people for a FUNdraiser for his mission trip !!! That was precious!!! We had a BALL!!!
When an adult child "SEEKS his parent's face" or in others terms... wants them around... that is a HUGE buoy to this Mama's heart!
Then, my precious daughter, who now has TWO daughters of her own, texted me a picture of her "study area" ( Bible, lesson book,notebook) and titled it: Look Familiar? I texted back : I am so proud of YOU , that You are SEEKING God and sharing with others!! (This is her FIRST time to facilitate a Bible Study !!!!) She wrote back... "Did you not see??? It looks FAMILIAR"...
Thank you Lord and Samuel and Savannah !!!
God used my OLDER two children to REaffirm that I WAS OK as a Mama !!
Had I made monumental mistakes? Sins? YES!! Had He & they forgiven ?
Glory, YES!!
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The same week that I read the blog, I co~hosted an Adoption Open House for a DEAR friend who is fostering to ADOPT ... a BOY!!!
After the celebration I drove a friend home and sat in her driveway and poured out my heart. She listened bless HER heart! I rehashed the last 9 months and the STILL present calling.
I told her how "my heart" was in China!!
For a Girl !!! (of course)
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I DO hurt for the children in the USA , Haiti & other countries that are without a family!
I DO !!!
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So... fast forward a week and arrive in my yesterday !!
WELCOME!!
I had plans to meet my friend Tricia at the gym.... then we were going to drop off paperwork to another friend, Shelley, who just "happens" to be the founder of Welcome Home Haiti!
They,the men in our Small Group from church, are leaving in a couple weeks to build homes in Haiti !!!
So we are at the gym ON the KILLER machine aka the elliptical !! My phone rings, I answer, Sutton is ill ! I must get off this machine (drats!) And go pick him up from school !!
(PIVOTAL CONVERSATION)
He and I are chatting on the way home he tells me his friend Ashton had to go home too... I said ,"Oh his name is like your sister's". He looks bewildered. I say you know Savannah Ashton! He said," Wow,I thought I had another sister!!"
I JUMP on that, you betcha!!!
I ask if he would like another sister? His reply? Sure, I guess... BUT ....
Yep, there is a BUT!
"But really I want a brother. A little brother. A dark BROWN brother."
Really, "I ask?"
Then the conversation gets CRAZY!!!
He tells me he wants the lil guy to "room" with him.
Of course I remind him how "irritating" he thinks the girls are when they come in his room.
He explains that he has "ALL" kinds to toys & blocks & cars &"guys" in his room....
REALLY??? This is interesting!!!
Me: So, what age were you thinking?
Sutton: Oh 5 or 6 or 7
Me: Hmm, I was thinking 3 or 4 or 5
Sutton: Ok but NOT 2 or 3
Me: Wow, Sutton, I have NEVER considered a BOY before!!!
Sutton: Why not?
Me: I don't know!! (wheels start turning! Silent questions to God ensue! )
Sutton: What would we name him?
Me: You know it would HAVE to be an "S" name.
Sutton: Of course, how about Shalom? (He loves LeCrae's music)
Me: Ummmm , I don't think so ....
Sutton: It means PEACE Mom.
Me: Yes, babe, I know.
Sutton: you have any ideas?
Me: I like Solomon... It too means peace.
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Did we just have that conversation?? Talking about a BOY????
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I drop Sutton off and head to Shelley's !! I relay our conversation, mine & Sutton's !! She gets goosebumps (she has adopted three times... once from Haiti) !!!
She says you should do it!!!
I bring up the little fact, you know, of my Hubby! Lack of finances! Yadda! Yadda! Yadda!
She shares about an organizations that "loans" the $$$ interest FREE ... and they are repaid when the "child tax credit" is received the following tax year!!
!!!!????!!!WHAT ????!!!!!!
I listened! I thought! I came home and researched that company!!! Whoa!!!
Did I tell my Hubby? NO!
I wanted to ! Oh how I wanted to!
I felt a "voice" saying WAIT!
So I am!
Mark will depart for Haiti on March 31st. Returning April 6th!
I KNOW he will come back changed!
After seeing the conditions in Haiti and also knowing his tender heart...
He WILL be forever changed!
Gloriously Ruined!
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I will wait for The Lord to move!
What I thought He was saying... for so long... perhaps He was just preparing my heart to say YES to HIS will... whatever it is... whatever IT "looks like" NOT mine !!!
Boy ~ Haiti
Girl ~ China
One! None! B~O~T~H !???
Only He knows the plans He has for me! For Mark!
In that I will trust!
He is FORever Faith~FULL !!!!
