The plans HE has ....

It has been a L~O~N~G 9 months!

What I "heard" from God ... what I thought to be so clear ... plain...

you can see here... for further details!

In all the "knowing" there was/is still so much UNknown!

I KNEW we were "supposed" to adopt again! GASP! I know!

Understand, I did NOT "want" to... I felt I was "supposed to" there IS a difference!

And then... don't you just love the "And Then..."

I WANTED to !!!

Hallelujah !!!

There has been a heaviness! a NEED to act!

And "act" I have!

I have searched our adoption agency sight relentlessly!

I have anguished over the darling souls "WAITING" for a family!

I have prayed for specific children and desired (to adopt) a specific child!!!

I sought...

Seeking, in and of it self, is NOT wrong!! Absolutely NOT!!

However I do believe I was getting WAY ahead of myself! AND God!

(And my man)

Mark & I have talked!

Cried! Argued!

Agreed! Agreed to disagree....

Y'all there are SO many orphans!!

And SO many Christians ...

we MUST lessen the number of children in orphanages!

We MUST !

My heart breaks to bring them HOME!

To sisters & brothers ... our family!

To food on the table! And KNOWLEDGE of our Sweet Jesus!

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A few weeks ago I read a sweet friends blog: Mrs Sharon A's .... she has gorgeous bio babes and equally gorgeous China Chicks!! And NOW... she and her man are bringing home another precious child...a BOY !!! You will REALLY want to take a peek !!!

I wept!! Joy, YES! Indeed!

What a precious family!!!

I also wept , are you ready for this? (notice the color!)

Ready for my true human Mommy ~wanting~ to~ adopt~ heart to show???

I wept because it was not ME! Not me announcing that we were bringing OUR child home!

I was devastated!

Confused!

Taken aback!

I went outside (remember I live in in the midwest... it was drizzling! It was cold!) I went to my "Serenity Spot"! I sat in my Adirondack chair curled up in my THICK blanket and CRIED out to God!!!

WHY!!???

Why can it not be ME? Why am I not bringing another child home??

God, I am willing!!! (Really Bridget,asks God)

Then.... the doubt crept in.

Doesn't it always???

Things like ... you already are blessed with FIVE children !!

I am !!! Thank you LORD!

Where will the finances come from?

From You LORD!

Then... OH!

Am I not ready/fit/ qualified/able to parent... another??

Hmmm... that thought took control !!

You see I do have a "past" of doubting MY capabilities!! (justifiably so!)

For two days I was UN~done!

Oh I prayed! I WEPT! I cried out LITERALLY & figuratively!!

And you know ... God being WHO He is... blessed me so...

My older son who is in college called and asked me to come cook for 300 people for a FUNdraiser for his mission trip !!! That was precious!!! We had a BALL!!!

When an adult child "SEEKS his parent's face" or in others terms... wants them around... that is a HUGE buoy to this Mama's heart!

Then, my precious daughter, who now has TWO daughters of her own, texted me a picture of her "study area" ( Bible, lesson book,notebook) and titled it: Look Familiar? I texted back : I am so proud of YOU , that You are SEEKING God and sharing with others!! (This is her FIRST time to facilitate a Bible Study !!!!) She wrote back... "Did you not see??? It looks FAMILIAR"...

Thank you Lord and Samuel and Savannah !!!

God used my OLDER two children to REaffirm that I WAS OK as a Mama !!

Had I made monumental mistakes? Sins? YES!! Had He & they forgiven ?

Glory, YES!!

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The same week that I read the blog, I co~hosted an Adoption Open House for a DEAR friend who is fostering to ADOPT ... a BOY!!!

After the celebration I drove a friend home and sat in her driveway and poured out my heart. She listened bless HER heart! I rehashed the last 9 months and the STILL present calling.

I told her how "my heart" was in China!!

For a Girl !!! (of course)

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I DO hurt for the children in the USA , Haiti & other countries that are without a family!

I DO !!!

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So... fast forward a week and arrive in my yesterday !!

WELCOME!!

I had plans to meet my friend Tricia at the gym.... then we were going to drop off paperwork to another friend, Shelley, who just "happens" to be the founder of Welcome Home Haiti!

They,the men in our Small Group from church, are leaving in a couple weeks to build homes in Haiti !!!

So we are at the gym ON the KILLER machine aka the elliptical !! My phone rings, I answer, Sutton is ill ! I must get off this machine (drats!) And go pick him up from school !!

(PIVOTAL CONVERSATION)

He and I are chatting on the way home he tells me his friend Ashton had to go home too... I said ,"Oh his name is like your sister's". He looks bewildered. I say you know Savannah Ashton! He said," Wow,I thought I had another sister!!"

I JUMP on that, you betcha!!!

I ask if he would like another sister? His reply? Sure, I guess... BUT ....

Yep, there is a BUT!

"But really I want a brother. A little brother. A dark BROWN brother."

Really, "I ask?"

Then the conversation gets CRAZY!!!

He tells me he wants the lil guy to "room" with him.

Of course I remind him how "irritating" he thinks the girls are when they come in his room.

He explains that he has "ALL" kinds to toys & blocks & cars &"guys" in his room....

REALLY??? This is interesting!!!

Me: So, what age were you thinking?

Sutton: Oh 5 or 6 or 7

Me: Hmm, I was thinking 3 or 4 or 5

Sutton: Ok but NOT 2 or 3

Me: Wow, Sutton, I have NEVER considered a BOY before!!!

Sutton: Why not?

Me: I don't know!! (wheels start turning! Silent questions to God ensue! )

Sutton: What would we name him?

Me: You know it would HAVE to be an "S" name.

Sutton: Of course, how about Shalom? (He loves LeCrae's music)

Me: Ummmm , I don't think so ....

Sutton: It means PEACE Mom.

Me: Yes, babe, I know.

Sutton: you have any ideas?

Me: I like Solomon... It too means peace.

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Did we just have that conversation?? Talking about a BOY????

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I drop Sutton off and head to Shelley's !! I relay our conversation, mine & Sutton's !! She gets goosebumps (she has adopted three times... once from Haiti) !!!

She says you should do it!!!

I bring up the little fact, you know, of my Hubby! Lack of finances! Yadda! Yadda! Yadda!

She shares about an organizations that "loans" the $$$ interest FREE ... and they are repaid when the "child tax credit" is received the following tax year!!

!!!!????!!!WHAT ????!!!!!!

I listened! I thought! I came home and researched that company!!! Whoa!!!

Did I tell my Hubby? NO!

I wanted to ! Oh how I wanted to!

I felt a "voice" saying WAIT!

So I am!

Mark will depart for Haiti on March 31st. Returning April 6th!

I KNOW he will come back changed!

After seeing the conditions in Haiti and also knowing his tender heart...

He WILL be forever changed!

Gloriously Ruined!

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I will wait for The Lord to move!

What I thought He was saying... for so long... perhaps He was just preparing my heart to say YES to HIS will... whatever it is... whatever IT "looks like" NOT mine !!!

Boy ~ Haiti

Girl ~ China

One! None! B~O~T~H !???

Only He knows the plans He has for me! For Mark!

In that I will trust!

He is FORever Faith~FULL !!!!

Hard Times! Down on Luck! Homeless!! God Bless ; )

So today I was going to Wal Mart...AGAIN. My Hubby is ill. Nothing sounds good, bless his heart, EXCEPT Gatorade! Popsicle & Milkshake! I have NONE of those on hand, thus a trip to Wal Mart. Samuel, my oldest man~child, rides with me! ( I LOVE time with him!) We chat! Laugh! Listen to music. GOoD times!

We pull into the parking lot, upon entering is a person holding a sign VERY similar to the one posted above! I comment to Samuel how cold it is and that I need to get cash when I check out to give to them... it is so cold I add! As we are running to the van (it is horrifically cold) I realize I forgot to get cash !! DRATS! However, I remember I have a McDonald's card in my wallet. $10 not much but literally all I had! I pull up close... It is a YOUNG lady. Beautiful face! Not clean , LONG dreads ( I love dread locks! ,I DO !!!) Samuel hands her the card tells her how much is on it and she thanks us and I tell her GOD bless you ! She smiles and we drive off !

I am quiet. Samuel is quiet! Then I say, "Why did I not buy her food while I was in there?" Grrr ! " I am so dense!" I exclaim!!

I come in and I feel "DREAD" ~full ! I KNOW I am called to do more!!

This verse resounded.... "If a brother or sister is without food or clothing and in NEED of DAILY food, and if one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed & filled and yet do not give them what is necessary for their body, WHAT USE IS THAT?"

In the kitchen as we unload the items Mark requested, I look at Samuel, I smiled, he smiled! I said, " grab some bags! " WE pack bags! Fruit... apple, oranges, bananas!! Cheese sticks! Crackers! Nuts! Raisins! Bottles of water! I was disappointed I only had a used jar of peanut butter!! Samuel said," Mom put this in" It was a HUGE jar that I had bought for him to take back to college with him! He says,"Mom, really, she NEEDS it" !! Did I say I LOVE this child???

We rustle around. I warm up a bowl of homemade chicken soup. Wrap up a spoon & napkin. Samuel goes to the drawer and grabs more disposable utensils and napkins. GOOD call!

Bag up Pizza. (Who doesn't like pizza? HOT? Warm? or Cold???

Granola bars! Bags of chip. Cans that can be popped off.

Samuel goes into the pantry then heads outside... he comes back in with a gallon sized bag full of dog food!

Precious!

Did I mention the young lady had a dog with her?

We loaded up and headed back to Wal Mart! Music was playing .... Care to guess the title? Casting Crowns - "Does Anybody Hear Her?"

Next tune? Honestly I can NOT remember... it mentioned "lonely" "home" I told Samuel "ABSOLUTELY not a coincidence! A GOD~incident!"

We get closer I am pleading that she is still there. We pass a really old small car near where she was standing... "I bet that is hers" !! As we pull into the parking lot a MAN is now holding the sign... I read it as I turn to park next to the car... "Homeless! Down on luck. With Baby!!" God Bless!

I start crying! A baby !!!

The young lady was in the backseat with her young baby boy! She rolls down the window. Her face lights up smiling! I beam back at her. I begin telling her what is in the bags. She is overwhelmed with gratitude! When I mention the dog food she was floored!!!

I ask her her name. Lindsey! Her lil guys? Dakota! She introduces me to her two dogs also !!! Blue & Ramen!! I introduce myself. She tells me thank you many times!! Then shares that they are headed to Florida. Her husband's cousin has a job for him, carpentry... they just need to get there.

I ask if I can give her a hug? She says YES!! I hug her. I grab her dreads and squeeze! I tell her I will continue to pray for her and her Dakota . She tells me she will pray for me too ! HOw precious is that!!??!! We both tell each other May God Bless You !!!

AND MEAN IT !!!

She has her baby,Dakota, wave with her as we drive off !

I can't stop crying. But I try. I don't want Samuel to feel really uncomfortable!!

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Please know...

I did not tell this to bring any recognition to

myself!! HORRORS!

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What happened today? I feel it was a God ordained moment!

What did I learn??

First off, we/I are/am unbelievably BLESSED !!!!

Yes, I forgot to buy things for Lindsey... Yet, when I arrived HOME! ( I have a HOME!)

I have food! MUCH food!

A pantry packed , a plethora of produce & products!

I have a car!

I am warm!

I know where I will sleep!

I KNOW my children are warm. Safe. Filled.

I witnessed my son unselfishly serve a stranger!

Oh,how very much I take for granted! Father, please forgive!! I ask that You continually REMIND me that everything I have is from YOU !!! Even my very next breath! Prompt me and lead me! Open my eyes and my heart! And Lord may You be praised! And Your name Glorified!!! You are THE GIVER of all things GOoD !! Thank You Father for allowing me to meet Lindsey! I KNOW You are only a call away from her !!! I take such comfort in YOUR Faith~FULL~ness!!!

A conversation...

Have you ever had one of "those kind" of conversations? The ones that begin with benign bantering? A cacophony of commonality? The drone of daily life? ??

I had such a one several weeks ago!! Are you wondering? Querying? As to why this merits a myriad of thought? A post? A blog?

The reason: a string of sound. Words. A sentence! A declaration!

A sentence that remains as if on loop. Playing again. And again. And AGAIN.

Let me take you back to "that day" !

I was chatting with a friend. Congratulating her on her soon to be "NEW" member of their family. You see this friend has THREE bio children and THREE that are a gift of adoption from Ethiopia. (they have been home just a smidgen less/more than a year from Ethiopia) And oh my mercy if they don't receive a call from.... CHINA. Long story short... they will be adding another daughter to their family...SOON! Wow! Again... congrats sweet friend!!!

As I was THEN talking about this fabulous, open, loving family with a dear neighbor (she too has adopted) From China & Ethiopia. Not thinking they would adopt again, YET, choosing to not say NO if God presents an opportunity ... I was in awe listening... intrigued by the selfLESSness! The accepting of God's will.

As we continued to visit she shared with me about a group of girls in China ALL waiting children... "Waiting" includes children that are, as the phrase says, WAITING on their forever family! OR perhaps they have what is considered a "Special Need" !! When I first heard this term several years ago it gave me pause. What was a "special need" How severe would it be? Is it curable? Could it be treated?

As my precious friend/neighbor expounded upon these little ones a world, an ocean away , I was moved by some of the SMALL NEED! One girl waiting needed... are you ready for this ??? She NEEDS.... Glasses!!!!! Seriously? Glasses?? That caught me so off guard! Glasses!! A small YET important item !!! You see... BOTH my girls.... Selah & Shaylee are "special needs" you know what their need is ?? Their EYES!!!! Strabismus.

I gasped and extolled " Why, I will buy her glasses!!!" ( inwardly thinking how very BIG of me!!! HORRORS!) My precious humble friend laid her hand on my knee and said

"But Bridget, She NEEDS a home" !!

WOE! Whoa!!!

Did you see that that?

Did you make the connection??

NEED!

She needs a home!!

I am ashamed to say that I mentally & emotionally "checked out" after that.

Several days passed. I was sharing with Mark about our friends & neighbors and about the "NEED" of that one little girl. Again, I said and drug Mark right along with me declaring " We WILL buy her glasses" ! He agreed! Then.... isn't there always a "then" ???

I continued on reiterating the entire conversation and all the details I could recall. When I arrived at the pivotal part of the " But, Bridget she NEEDS a home", he reacted EXACTLY as I did!!!

Subject closed!!!

Dead End !

Life continues on!

However, as moments became minutes , and minutes hours, and hours days... those words "But,Bridget she needs a home." Reverberated! Resounded! Resonated!!

Internal arguing ensued!

I prayed! Because ... are you ready for some ugly to show?? I didn't want to even consider adoption... AGAIN! Selfish! I know! True just the same.

I then turned to His Word. James 1:22... But prove yourselves DOERS of this world not merely hearers who delude themselves. skip down to vs 25 ..." an effectual DOER will be blessed by what he DOES." vs 27 ..." in the sight of our God, pure and undefiled religion... take care of the orphans & the widows in their distress

distress |disˈtres|

• suffering caused by lack of money or the basic necessities of life : the poor were helped in their distress

Continue on to James chapter 2 ... vs 15~17 Suppose you see a brother or sister who needs food or clothing (perhaps even GLASSES & a home)and you say, "Well, good-bye and God bless you; stay warm and eat well"--but then you don't give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?So you see, it isn't enough just to have faith. Faith that doesn't show itself by good deeds is no faith at all--it is dead and useless.

Pro 24:12

Don't try to avoid responsibility by saying you didn't know about it. For God knows all hearts, and he sees you. He keeps watch over your soul, and he knows you knew! And he will judge all people according to what they have done.

Mark and I have texted and not yet spoken in person... I think we are both SCARED!!

I know I am !!! I also know THE I Am !! And He WILL give wisdom! Direction!

" She needs a Home"

"She needs a home"

"She needs a home."

I Just Need a Sandbox!!!

Sunday was a day !!

My family & I went to church ( I really don't even like that term"went to church"... aren't we The Church? ... another topic for another day perhaps!)

So, at church God had plans to not only meet me there BUT He had in mind a lesson (or two) that I needed to learn, relearn AND implement.

My heart hurt for someone VERY close to me! I was in full on PROTECT mode! (Read: bulldog with lipstick!) I felt my loved one was mistreated! Dealt with MOST unfairly. In fact, I think that BECAUSE it was a "church setting" the affront stung even more.

I wanted an explanation!

I wanted clarification!

I WANTED IT TO HAVE NOT OCCURED!

During the main assembly I did all I could to sit! I could not sing. I felt to do so would totally NOT honor God. Add to the fact that when I hear singing and I am at all "tender" of heart, I cry!!! So that is what I did! CRY! ALOT!

Afterward we , came home, instead of our usual lunching with friends.

My darling Hubby and I had some HARD heart-to-heart talks! Voices raised! MORE tears shed!

I felt ALONE! My husband & I could NOT agree! I am used to that! BUT, I wanted...no NEEDED to have him understand me,my heart. I didn't care if we disagreed, I just wanted to be understood! I wanted "my side" of things validated.

Fast forward about two hours...

Hubby & I talked ... I ask to be held, supported. I reiterated that he did NOT have to agree with, just hold me. Support me! (THAT is hard for me to do... to be so vulnerable...YES! even in front of my husband.)

Tears still came but now they were cleansing. I prayed. I quieted myself.

I felt The Spirit bringing Scripture to mind. Such as ... " don't grumble against each other, brothers,or you will be judged..." James 5:7

Also, "say only what will edify or uplift the one who hears" paraphrased

Then, I recalled when Jesus was accused. He was silent.

When He was asked what should be done with/about the woman "caught" in adultery ...

He squatted and wrote in the sand!

Whoa! and WOE! I GOT IT!!!!!!!!

I needed to do NOTHING!!

I needed to say NOTHING!

I needed to defend NOTHING!

So, you can find me... in MY sandbox!

Next time you have an urge to "SAY" ............ come join me !!!